Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor. Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird, 1994
Perfect vision comes to mind when we think of 2020, and that’s a good thing. But what about perfectionism?
I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, because I thought that meant being perfect, which I knew I wasn’t. But in recent years, I’ve realized that being a perfectionist doesn’t mean being perfect, it means always striving to meet usually unrealistic expectations. And as Anne Lamott’s quote suggests, the expectations are often not ours, but those of others.
With the start of a new year, setting ambitious goals and striving to meet them is good. But there’s an important difference between setting goals for growth, and perfection. As Brene’ Brown writes in “I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t)” if perfection is the goal, then failure is inevitable, and that failure offers us nothing in terms of learning and change. Failure on the road to perfection leads to shame, which in turn leads to anger, fear, judgment and blame.
But we’re never too old to grow and change. When improvement with measurable goals is our new year’s resolution, then we can candidly look at the past and envision a better space, acknowledging both successes and failures along the way. When we focus on our own expectations to improve, we’re not changing who we are to meet the expectations of others.
What do goals for growth look like? How can I be healthier, not how can I get thin. How can I be a better (parent, son, or daughter), not how can I be the perfect (parent, son, or daughter). As Brown writes, when we choose growth over perfection, we are choosing empathy and connection.
So what are your growth goals this year? Do they relate to personal relationships, work, money, health or parenting? What does improvement look like? What are specific, measurable steps that get you where you want to be? What are the barriers? Who can you talk with for encouragement, empathy and accountability?
Coaching can be a great resource in helping you define your growth goals, and working toward them throughout the year. To learn more, check out Www.mbrcoach.com or email me at MBR@MBRcoach.com. Happy New Year!